I’ve been in a great relationship for 4.5 years. I can definitely see myself growing old with Paul. And i know that, at least for now, he is also happy with me.
Yesterday i found out, by reading some of his old blog posts about recently reconnecting with his first love from high school, that he is still in love with Toby. When i first read that, i was overcome with jealosy, doubt, and confusion. I couldn’t understand it. I couldn’t see how that was possible if he’s in love with me. I especially couldn’t understand that he told his first love about his lingering feelings, (considering both of them are currently in relationships.) I was upset for a while, because i could not relate. I’m not still in love with anyone but him! And then it hit me, Paul’s my first true love!

Ok, i had a “first love”, but it was very different and very complicated. See, I met my first love when i was in the 7th grade. She was in the 8th grade. (Yes, i said she.) You see, at the age of 12, gay boys and girls may still experiment emotionally and sexually with members of the opposite sex. She is also gay. We both knew we were different from the rest of our classmates in the music program. We became best friends. We became soul mates. It lasted all through highschool, but it was very rocky. Like all best friends at that age, there were times we hated eachother, and we finally just grew apart and went our seperate ways. We went many years without seeing eachother, and then a couple of years ago we somehow ended up working together in the same company. It was a trip seeing her again, and we got to talk some, but there were definitely no feelings of still being in love with eachother. It was just a different kind of love.

I’ve had many relationships in between, including the 7 year relationship that lasted 7 years too long. (A lot of being emotionally and psychologically abused, bla bla bla.) let’s just say i was unhappy. That relationship ended about 6 months before i got together with Paul.

When i read Paul’s blog postings about Toby, he described how deeply they had been in love… how he had felt that his chest was made for Toby’s head to rest upon…How he can’t help but wonder how different their lives might have been had they not lost touch for so long. (Though, i am a true believer in “Everyrhing happens for a reason.”) I realized that i was never in love like that until i met Paul, (at the age of 29.) So i cannot judge him for his feelings for his first love. I don’t understand it, but i’ve figured out that i don’t have to. What i have figured out is that not all “loves” are created equal, and your first true love will have an effect on you that other people may never understand, because not everyone will experience it. And if you have not found it yet, just keep in mind that it can happen at any age. I also had to realize that there are many different ways to interpret the words, “Still in love.”
The more i think about it, the more i do understand it, because i know that no matter what, i will always be in love with Paul, too! He is my first true love.

So, whether something happens that fundamentally changes our relationship, OR we grow old together happily until death do us part — there will always be a special place in my heart for him. I will always be in love with him.

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