A Mystery of True Love
December 4th, 2006 by 
nekkid
I’ve been in a great relationship for 4.5 years. I can definitely see myself growing old with Paul. And i know that, at least for now, he is also happy with me.
Yesterday i found out, by reading some of his old blog posts about recently reconnecting with his first love from high school, that he is still in love with Toby. When i first read that, i was overcome with jealosy, doubt, and confusion. I couldn’t understand it. I couldn’t see how that was possible if he’s in love with me. I especially couldn’t understand that he told his first love about his lingering feelings, (considering both of them are currently in relationships.) I was upset for a while, because i could not relate. I’m not still in love with anyone but him! And then it hit me, Paul’s my first true love!
Ok, i had a “first love”, but it was very different and very complicated. See, I met my first love when i was in the 7th grade. She was in the 8th grade. (Yes, i said she.) You see, at the age of 12, gay boys and girls may still experiment emotionally and sexually with members of the opposite sex. She is also gay. We both knew we were different from the rest of our classmates in the music program. We became best friends. We became soul mates. It lasted all through highschool, but it was very rocky. Like all best friends at that age, there were times we hated eachother, and we finally just grew apart and went our seperate ways. We went many years without seeing eachother, and then a couple of years ago we somehow ended up working together in the same company. It was a trip seeing her again, and we got to talk some, but there were definitely no feelings of still being in love with eachother. It was just a different kind of love.
I’ve had many relationships in between, including the 7 year relationship that lasted 7 years too long. (A lot of being emotionally and psychologically abused, bla bla bla.) let’s just say i was unhappy. That relationship ended about 6 months before i got together with Paul.
When i read Paul’s blog postings about Toby, he described how deeply they had been in love… how he had felt that his chest was made for Toby’s head to rest upon…How he can’t help but wonder how different their lives might have been had they not lost touch for so long. (Though, i am a true believer in “Everyrhing happens for a reason.”) I realized that i was never in love like that until i met Paul, (at the age of 29.) So i cannot judge him for his feelings for his first love. I don’t understand it, but i’ve figured out that i don’t have to. What i have figured out is that not all “loves” are created equal, and your first true love will have an effect on you
that other people may never understand, because not everyone will experience it. And if you have not found it yet, just keep in mind that it can happen at any age. I also had to realize that there are many different ways to interpret the words, “Still in love.”
The more i think about it, the more i do understand it, because i know that no matter what, i will always be in love with Paul, too! He is my first true love.
So, whether something happens that fundamentally changes our relationship, OR we grow old together happily until death do us part — there will always be a special place in my heart for him. I will always be in love with him.
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December 4th, 2006 at 6:24 am
There’s no reason for you to feel threatened or jealous. As I’m sure you read in one of my posts,
My love for you is a different love, born out of a more mature place. The events of my previous life created the person that you met, and live with now. Everything up to that moment shaped me into who you now love, and we both continue to be shaped by our experiences together.
It may seem as though I lavished an excess of words on Toby and our relationship history, and the examination of my feelings for him in the past and present. It is only because these things were happening at the time. And the situation was new to me. I’ve never reconnected with my first love before. I think that’s something that only happens once.
I’m sure that had I been keeping a journal or a blog when you and I met, there would be thousands of words about it.
I have thought about how things might be different had I reconnected with Toby several years ago (before you and I met). Who’s to say what may have happened. Mostly I regret that we didn’t reconnect because of the situation he is in now. I would never wish the anguish he experienced on anyone… and it is in my nature to want to prevent that, and to feel guilt that I could not. My pondering of that question was certainly not any expression of unhappiness with you.
You can never be my first love, that space was filled a decade ago… But you can be my best love, and the love that I wake up to every morning (afternoon) and decide that our lives are not lacking for anything.
December 4th, 2006 at 6:52 am
[…] I got as far UMB’s site, Dancing Nekkid, and read his post: A Mystery of True Love and realized that I am terrible at talking about things aloud. I occasionally have brilliant thoughts.* I try with a slight degree of success** to capture them in words that I post here, or jot into song lyrics. […]
December 4th, 2006 at 8:08 am
Oh my God, it is absolutely true that not all loves are created equal. And it is absolutely not possible to really understand that until you have been in love. And then when you add wisdom to love? Holy shit, hold on tight, you’re in for a ride! That’s when you figure out things like ‘I love this person, but Lordy are we incompatible.’ or ‘I know without a doubt that I could spend the rest of my life with this person.’ Love is awesome!
December 5th, 2006 at 6:09 am
My first love will always be a part of me and who I have become, something I cannot change even if I wanted to, but my “best love” will be what brings true joy to my life.
I am looking forward to the day when I have a love that is as strong as what you two gentlemen have.
Communication is key in any relationship and I find it incredibly helpful to simply read what you both have to say. Thank you for putting this out there for all of us.
December 28th, 2006 at 8:25 pm
To both of you:
What Paul and I shared was wonderful. It was like two lost butterflies finding each other in a world where no creature or soul had wings. We were both pretty young (I was MUCH younger BTW…lol), ignorant of life, and ready to explore. Yes, Paul will always have a place in my heart, a spot in my phone, and a page in my books, but I’m no longer IN love with Paul. I’m IN love with Steve and no one will be able to replace that. Even if Paul and I had reconnected years ago, I’m afraid the outcome of today would be very similar. You see, I too believe that everything happens for a reason, but I also think that god/the spirits (or whatever higher being you may believe in) wouldn’t throw anything at you that you couldn’t handle or weren’t strong enough for. When I became HIV positive, I knew when, with whom, and how. It was not because of ignorance of the disease, the lifestyles, or laziness. It was because my partner chose not to tell me that he was positive. Paul, I’ll always love you, you and I share many memories together. Nekkid, you share many more memories with Paul than I do, including his last 4 years. Steve shares my last 4 (almost) and that is something I love you both for. One of these days, maybe you and I can end our notes with I love you…